Tangled

Why would I want him just to lose him again?

Now I’m a confused little bugger. Well, more confused than usual. 

I don’t know whether to leave it alone or keep it going.

I could continue to be his friend, and hopefully create a long-lasting friendship that has a slight chance of working out in the distant future. This at the risk of me continuing to hurt by not forgetting him.

Or I could just leave it alone, forget about him and eventually stop hurting. Maybe.

This sounds like a stupid decision, it’s obvious I should leave it alone, right? 

BUT I CAN’T. 

Mabe because I’m a psycho. Maybe because this is real. I have no idea.

All I know is, I’m still talking to him and it’s still hurting but he still makes me happy.

And I know I should leave him alone and keep at least a shred of my dignity. But, the thing is, when it comes to him, I have none.

I’m a crazy, stupid girl who can’t just stop hurting myself by giving myself the instant gratification of THINKING about him. 

I’m a stupid bitch. 

I’m not really sure what’s going on right now. But I’m a little tired of analyzing EVERY SINGLE emotion I feel. Like, sure, the way I felt when I wrote that last post was great. I love having those little blurbs of enlightenment. But I’m so tired of always trying to come to that point! Every time I think about my relationships, I think and think and think until I come to some kind of conclusion about how I feel about the subject, and then I decide that THAT is my new way of thinking about it. I just decide how I feel and then feel that way until I feel something else. But I don’t feel like deciding how I feel about EVERYTHING anymore. I just want to feel nothing. I want to feel nothing about the last 4 guys I’ve liked, and not like anyone new. I want to stop having to think for awhile, it is extremely tiring and time consuming. I want to just BREATHE for a second. Breathe an air undiluted by boy. Or even girl. I think I’ll become a hermit for awhile, Thoreau style. Just listen to birds and leaves and shit and STOP THINKING. That would be so nice. I think I’m going to start meditating. I’m going to teach myself how to not think about things. It’s going to be wonderful. So what I’ve taken from this post: I’m running away to the woods to begin a solitary confinement where I become one with myself and nature. 

Or maybe I’ll just go get a cup of tea and sit in my backyard.

We’ll see what pans out. 

So, I realize I’m not very good at frequently updating my tumblr, which I discovered was to the dismay of readers that I apparently have! This is partially due to the fact that I sometimes (sometimes.) have a life, but also because I’m not always flowing with fantastically entertaining dialogues. But I’ll work on that. Anyways, last night I was having a brief girl chat with a friend I don’t see often, explaining to her the latest bit of boy stories I have to offer (there are always boy stories. ALWAYS.) And after explaining to her my little sad story about the almost-one that I’ll never see again, she said “You know what? Years from now, you guys are going to reconnect and end up married”. And while that is highly implausible, it made my night. That may have been the best pseudo-advice anyone has ever given me. After being all mopey for weeks about how I was going to miss him, and mourning the fact that nothing ever happened, that was the glimmer of hope I needed. I am perfectly aware that it will probably not happen anything like that, but it took a sad situation and made it not completely hopeless! Instead of continuing to mope, it turned my mind to the other side of things, the side where great things are possible, where things are open-ended and mysterious, where this is a “To Be Continued” rather than a “The End”. And while I’m not over here planning our wedding or anything, this guy is really important to me, and that kind of attitude is what I needed. Now, I can be happy of what might yet be to come. Even if it has nothing to do with him, even if it has everything. Maybe I’ll reconnect with anyone else years from now. The point is, sometimes, stepping out of the present and looking into the future is exactly what you need to put things into perspective. And the view is so much better from here. 

Mean people are most unhelpful when trying to maintain a healthy diet. A carrot just doesn’t have the same effect as a can of double chocolate frosting.